I'm Getting Old
Today is my 22 birthday. I know, real old. I'm sure the 26 year olds and 40 year olds and even 50-something year olds I work with would looove to hear me say that. But hear me out.
I really don't like my birthday. This birthday - 22 - is not as significant as others, but for me it signifies adulthood and the end of a seemingly never-ending chapter in my life.
And, no, in case you were wondering, I am not feeling 22, but rather a strong 38 because I'm always tired and I have to come home from parties early to take care of my children (my cats). Or maybe, quite possibly 18, because I've never felt so lost in my life. At least, since I was 18.
I often talk about the process of growing up on I Am Rorie. It's something that's playing a huge part in my mental state lately. It's both paralyzingly terrifying and excitingly invigorating at the same time. I fantasize about the idea of having a job I love waking up for each morning, but dread the reality that I can no longer eat peanut butter with a glass of white wine and call it dinner anymore. Because, you know, adulthood.
I think what scares me the most, though, is the fact that I'm graduating, closing the longest chapter of my life thus far: education. My entire life's structure has been formed around a school year. I plan my life around when breaks are, how much homework I anticipate I'll have to do over the weekend, and what I want to learn in order to best prepare myself for post-grad life. Now, all of that is on the brink of ending indefinitely and I can already imagine how unstructured my life will feel.
I'm scared about finding a job that makes me happy. Or any job really. But most importantly, what about finding a job in my field? How many event management or marketing coordinator positions are there for a 22 year old? Some days I'm incredibly optimistic and can sit on LinkedIn for at least two hours, searching and applying. Others, I feel hopeless and can't even find the motivation to open my laptop out of fear there are no jobs available for me.
I know there are plenty of others in my same position who can relate. It's scary and difficult to accept we can longer brush off our mistakes with the excuse of being a college student. Our irresponsibility becomes immaturity, not comical and much more serious of an issue post-graduation.
Despite my anxiety, I feel optimistic about my future. I spent the majority of this past Monday night talking with my roommate about how we - as in all of us - can make the conscious decision each day to not let the little things get in our way.
This year, in my twenty-second rotation around the sun, I've decided to work harder than I ever have. I'm finally in the position to be the professional young woman I always wanted to be. I think it's scary because the time has finally come to actually be an adult, and no matter how hard I've attempted to prepare for this moment, it's still undeniably shocking.
I have no resolution for this post, as I usually do at the end. I can't tell you I make it out on top or I become the next Miranda Priestly (although, that would be pretty sweet to know ahead of time). Adulthood is a journey, that I technically have yet to even begin. I'll stay optimistic for now, and keep you posted.